on love. part one of a million.

i didn't expect it to be so hard to write about falling in love.

i didn't expect to be contacted by a normal man just two days after uploading my profile.

i didn't expect anything to come from giving online dating a try. i didn't expect molly to be right when she said, you never know what good things could come of this.  

all i could think about was every lifetime movie i've ever seen. humor is one of my weapons of defense. this could go so very badly, i said.

ah, but it could go so very well.

it has. 

and those weapons i've always used are starting to get a bit dusty.

i didn't expect that normal guy to turn out to be so much more than just "normal."

i didn't expect to spend 6.5 hours on our first date and fight back tears and the urge to scream across lake michigan, over the sound of boats rocking back and forth and waves crashing, this is amazing! you are so funny and cute and that white linen shirt, i really like it. you're so relaxed. i'm not like that. ever. this night isn't real. is this night real? it can't be real. boy, i hope you kiss me at some point tonight. now would be good.

i don't know when it happened. it. the falling in love part.

i wish i did. i say this like it must have been a specific moment on a specific morning, but that's not the case. the girl who must control every aspect of her life had no control over this one.

thank God for that.

it was slow. it didn't feel rushed. more than that, i didn't rush myself. at some point in the past three months i fully accepted it and settled into it the way you climb into your favorite old chair or slowly slide into a hot bath. you fit.

we fit.

i love this man.

this man who calms my soul. this man who roots for the bears and the cardinals. this man who pulls me closer at night when i turn in my sleep. this man whose kisses make me shake. this man who makes me laugh until i snort and cry. this man who buys me clementines and flowers for no reason. this man who fixes my blinds before breakfast. this man who asks about my fall bucket list and helped me cross things off my summer one. this man who loves his daughter so much it's restored my faith in a number of things. this man who's said, "let me help you. what can i do?" so many times i've stopped counting. this man who said, "you can put more on my plate. more you. i want more of you."

this man who has let me be a part of his life and his daughter's life. this man who takes me to church on sunday mornings and makes cinnamon rolls while we watch "the smurfs" while i say a prayer of thanks. this man whose shoulder i cried on sunday night when i talked about the fears i've been feeling lately. this man who gave me his umbrella this morning. again. this man who listens and remembers and asks questions.

i'm no longer afraid to say these things out loud for fear of "jinxing" them. they are real. not saying these things won't make them less real or less wonderful. say them out loud. put these thoughts and prayers of gratitude into the universe. you're in love. you have a good man in your life. it's okay to say these words out loud.
 

and as i sat next to him on his couch sunday night with his beautiful black lab on the other side of him, crying and admitting ugly things that weigh me down, i thought, this is intimacy. this is hard. but it's what i've been hoping to find: something that fit.