Wednesday, September 4, 2013

my season of becoming.

at some point this afternoon, right around 1:32 pm, i was done with this day. i felt good about it this morning. i thought, i will sit here with this pumpkin coffee and patty griffin and organize my day and organize my inbox and organize my mind and won't it be lovely, oh, what a lovely wednesday it will be. 

but as the day went on things started to pile up.

i don't like pile-ups. 

as i actively told myself, no, no. i will not let this lazy person annoy me. i will not let this rude person annoy me, they did. everything did. and i got mad at myself for getting annoyed. i got mad at myself for feeling feelings i made perfectly clear were not welcome today. not tomorrow either. i am tired of this shit. give me a day off. 

Lord, the energy i spend on the wrong things.

ben had a long day too. we didn't talk much on the train ride home. and it was okay. because one of the things i'm most grateful for with this man, and that is a long list, is the fact that we're able to be silent with one another. i was never able to be still with the ones who came before him. 

this is a sign, sweet girl. and they're everywhere. they're in the headache that lasts two days, in the things that make your heart race and the things that make you grumble. everything means something and everything that produces a physical reaction, be it good or horrifying, must be paid attention to.

we must listen to ourselves. we must ask, what do you want? and take a deep breath because it's very rarely just one thing. we must ready ourselves for the response.

when i came home today i wanted to go directly to bed. i also wanted pepperoni pizza and white wine. i wanted to watch crap tv. i wanted to go for a walk. i wanted to just sit in our living room with myself for five minutes. so i did. ben took sloth for a walk and i sat in the dark with a very cold glass of water and wrote. and wrote some more. i stopped and asked myself the question. i fought against it, against the dark parts, the parts that would not feed me the way i need to be fed, the way i need to be fed after a day like today, a day like yesterday. 

i am on a peace mission and a mission to feed my soul and i do not have time for anything that pulls me away from these things. 

do what feels good, sweet girl. write. sit in the dark and write. sit by yourself and do not fill that silence with dark thoughts. create something from it. you are allowed to give yourself a break.

you are allowed to give yourself a break.

we must pay attention because oh, the possibilities when we do. the things we see that we actively ignored for so long. the things we hear and feel, the words that make everything else quiet so they can be heard. 

when, finally, at 27, 28, you learn what love is. what happiness is. when you laugh so much your mouth hurts and you cry and ben says, "rhi!" and you smile and then he smiles because he knows. when you're happy you can see unhappiness in others, you recognize those that don't wish happiness for anyone, least of all themselves. and you think what a sad and hollow life that must be for them. because being happy feels good! feeling joy, making lists of things that make you smile and feel overcome with gratitude is a good thing. 

when you take a late train home after a long day at work and you think,  I'm so thankful for this life, this life I no longer need to audition for. I deserve this life. 

this life i no longer need to audition for. 

who is the judge, rhi?

these words bounce and dance around in your head and you think, yes, yes, YES. this is truth. i don't need to audition anymore. i am in charge of my life, my day, my time. i am in charge of how i choose to spend them. there is great power in that. great responsibility too. and so much potential.

this is the season of becoming, my season of becoming a pursuer and collector of joy. and my cup runneth over.

3 comments:

  1. I love this! I completely understand that feeling of wanting to sit in peace and then being lulled away by annoyances. I love what you said though: "this life I no longer need to audition for." It brings such power to us owning our lives! I love it, Rhiannon. You are amazing!

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  2. Thank you so much. Feels good to be back, Chantel. :) Hope you're well.

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  3. 1) I identify with everything you said, I am a 27-year-old girl. 2) The way you write is beautiful. Never stop writing in the dark :)

    Sweet Apple Lifestyle

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